


“I’m not proud of everything I’ve done, but I’m proud of this.”

by FanFiction_Artist_Prototype



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Back to Earth, Canon Disabled Character, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Fluff, Getting Back Together, Hunk Pidge Allura And Coran are mentioned, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Probably gonna be proven wrong on August tenth but do I care? Not a chance, Reconciliation, Season 7 Spoilers, Semi-Canon Compliant, The bandwagon that I’m proud to be apart of, The devil works quick but I work quicker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 06:24:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15406959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanFiction_Artist_Prototype/pseuds/FanFiction_Artist_Prototype
Summary: Ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind. That’s a phrase that Shiro would never forget, not because of how it fit his life, not because it struck a cord with him. He would never forget it because it was Adam’s favourite line from Lilo and Stitch.‘Don’t expect me to be here waiting for you when you get back’ That’s a phrase Shiro wishes he could forget, but he can’t. Not because it’s a good line from a movie or because it’s his favourite line, he can’t forget it because it’s the last thing Adam said to him.He isn’t proud of everything that’s happened in his life, but, back on Earth in Adam’s arms he can say he is proud of somethings.





	“I’m not proud of everything I’ve done, but I’m proud of this.”

_’Don’t expect me to be here waiting for you when you get back.’_

He remembered sitting there, letting the words sink in, and then he remembered when his heart hurt. He wasn’t able to tell whether it was his illness or the reality of the words. He still couldn’t discreen now. He remembered sitting on the couch for hours (or what felt like it), not moving, just having his (ex)fiancés words swimming through his mind, clouding his judgement as he eventually got up and walked to the fridge taking out the bottle of wine that he’d been forbidden from drinking (the doctors said it wouldn’t mix well with his tablets) opened it and began chugging. He’d already lost so much. One more thing couldn’t hurt.

He’d been about half way through it when he felt his stomach lurching. The intense pain that followed had lead to the dropping of the bottle and the intense scrambling that had ensued as he tried to navigate the glass and wine covered floor in socks while his head was hazy from the alcohol. It had resulted in a blood stained floor and a pathway of bloody footprints from the kitchen to the bathroom and a disgusting taste in his mouth.

When Keith found him a few hours after the incident he’d cleaned up, drank enough water to make himself feel sick all over again, and wrapped his injured feet which thankfully weren’t properly injured, the amount of blood had only apprehend due to the sheer amount of cuts on his feet. It’d be a bitch to walk in the morning when the pain properly kicked in with his ensuing hangover. Jesus, what was he doing?

His kid brother had given him a raised eyebrow at the absence of the other Male that he knew resides in the apartment. Shiro didn’t have the guts - not the mental capacity- to explain to Keith what had happened at that moment, he just needed to break down. That was a healthy coping mechanism right? Crying? Well, he decided when he was crying into his hands as Keith sat next to him rubbing his back, it was better than drinking himself into unconsciousness.

* * *

 ’ _Don’t forget to send transmissions okay?’_

He hadn’t expected Adam to show up to the launch. He hadn’t expected him to talk to him even if the other officer did show up.

They stood face to face, and Shiro wants to apologize for everything, wants to turn around and say that he’d drop the mission right now, he’d set back the human race months if not years if Adam asked him to. But Adam just gives him the look, the look that tells him he needs to shut up because he’ll ruin it if he doesn’t. So instead of saying that, he stays still and looks down (he’d forgotten about their height difference) at the man who’s not speaking, just smoothing down his suit and pats his shoulders.

”I expect to hear from Keith that you’re not abandoning him. The kid needs you Takashi, a lot of people do, do us all a favour and at least don’t disappoint one of those people.”

He remembers the bile that seemed to be in the back of his throat at that comment, he remembered having to bite back tears and having to restrain himself from hugging Adam An day pressing a final kiss to those amazing lips. But, they aren’t together anymore, he’s not allowed to do that anymore. So, he restrains himself, nods at the other officer and pulls Kieth into a hug before walking off with Sam and Matt, waving at Katie quickly as they’re greeted by Iverson on the platform sending them up to the shuttle.

The whole thing seems surreal and as the lift goes up quickly, Shiro feels his stomach twist, he really is stupid isn’t he? He’s probably going to die on this mission. Zero G will only worsen his condition, he doesn’t even have ten years left and he’s speeding up his disease because of what? A childish dream to go into space? A lifetime of hard work to get him to this point? He wishes he was ignorant to his illness, his Achilles heal if you will. Maybe if he was ignorant he wouldn’t be here, he’d be in bed with Adam, bruises probably covering his neck, legs tangled and arms wound around each other. Not here in a metal suit with two other men that he isn’t fully familiar with, not here alone and without anybody to care.

 _You_ He’s pushed Adam away, he never told Keith about his illness and now he’s going to spend the next few months or years depending on how well it goes in a tiny capsula in space with two men who tried countless times to get him out of the program.

* * *

 ’ _You are our champion now.’_

It was disgusting to remember everything that he’d done in that damned arena. The lives he’d ruined... the lives he’d taken.

He could still remember the look of sheer terror when he’d attacked Matt, remembered seeing the realisation and awe as it clicked in the younger boys brain what he was doing. He still couldn’t believe he’d done it either, not the bravery part, the actual physical part. He had been having muscle spasms all morning and they’d dragged him out into the hall way at the beginning of a fit, he’d only just finished and there he was, fighting off aliens twice his size to help someone he still didn’t fully know.

Adam did always call him an altruistic.

It was disgusting to think that when he first started to win and they put him in his own cell that he learnt to drown out the screams of the damned down the corridor, it was even worse to think that a few months in, he was the reason for those screams.

”No,no,no,no,no,no,no...” He vaguely remembered how often that one word would be repeated by him, like a life bringing mantra. Repeated over and over, just trying to will the pain away. It wasn’t zero G but it wasn’t Earth’s gravity either on the ship - and more often than not he experienced spasms and/or muscle crap and muscle faliuar. Often he wouldn't even be to get into a sitting position it hurt that much to move.

The one thing he remembered the most about his time in that four by four cell, was sitting there trying to become one with the wall, during an ‘episode’ as he’d heard his captors refer to it. Head buried in his knees as his back was against the wall , tears streaming down his face from the pain, he was silent but he could hear the tapping outside repeat over and over. It nearly drove him insane some days. “Please...” would be the only words out of his mouth in occasions like that, he didn’t know then what he was asking for he still doesn’t. Maybe it was for release from the pain, maybe it was just plain release from the prison, maybe it was a beg of forgiveness to Matt or to Adam or Keith.

* * *

 ’ _Girl you’ve already activated my-‘_

He remembered that first day at the Castle, how excited, relieved and angry he was to see Keith again, how curious he was of Lance (he’d heard a lot about the boy from Keith, some good some... less.) and of Hunk and of Pidge (who he couldn’t help but think looked like Matt Holt.

He remembered shutting Lance's joke down, and how the boy had smiled sheepishly as he understood that, yeah a sexual joke probably isn’t the best first impression. Remembered the way the others had all argued pointlessly and without real solutions being found by the end of them, it had reminded him of the petty arguments he and Adam had had. Just those stupid little things you argue about; like who’s bed head was cuter -pointless but still worth arguing over or, who’s coffee sucked ass more (Adam’s tasted like piss water while His tasted like something died in it.)

He had enjoyed the trip to the planet the green lion was hidden on, it was tranquil it was calming and it gave him time to think. A year, a whole year he’d been gone - considered dead and blamed for not only his own, but the deaths of Matthew and Samual Holt as well. Had Adam grieved? Had he already moved on?

Why wouldn’t he of moved on? He’d asked himself as they sat in the boat that was steered by a man sized sloth. Why wouldn’t the most amazing man in the world of found someone who could give him more than Shiro could ever dream of offering him?

His hand had gone to the necklace under his shirt, it held his engagement ring, he’d given it to Keith for safe keeping until he got back from the Kerberos mission and thankfully his little brother had kept it safe, while he may of only had an hour on Earth he would be damned if he didn’t bring the only thing he had of Adam left.

* * *

 ’ _Can’t sleep?’_

How many times had he gone to the bridge in his early days of being a Paladin? How many times had he seen Allura wide awake from crying, sitting on the bridge trying to ignore her pain, how many times had she coerced him into talking about why he was at the bridge ashen faced, eyes bloodshot and puffy while his hair was disheveled like someone had ragged him around by it.

How many times had he told the princess about his nightmares, about how he still felt phantom pains where his prosthetic was and how many times had he told the princess about Adam? The one thing that kept him going, that kept him wanting to go back to Earth and not just end it all already. Because, god knows, did he just want to off himself sometimes. The Universe was fucked up, he’d told her once, and some times - and it isn’t a popular opinion or thought- people just didn’t want to go through it all.

”He’s got beautiful skin, it’s this shade of brown that I can’t even begin to describe because there isn’t anything I can think to compare it to, but it’s this soft shade and his eyes look beautiful... but... I left him for this mission. The mission he told me I would probably get hurt on... he was right.” He’d dropped off into self deprecating laughter around about that point. There wasn't much point in talking about it, he remembered thinking, Adam was gone and wouldn’t of waited for him - especially when he thought he was dead.

* * *

 ‘ _Shiro!’_

When he’d died he freaked out, that wasn’t what was supposed to happen, he wasn’t supposed to go out like that. Wordlessly and in pain surrounded by suffering while the ones he cared about were non the wiser.

He’d thought of how he would go, surrounded by loved ones in a hospital bed or in his sleep wrapped in a loving embrace or even locked in a fight, not this impersonal disintegration of his physical form. He had to admit though, sharing a subconscious with the lion was interesting, and he remembered, was a shocking thing to work around.

It was hard to push thoughts back when you were trapped in a limitless space with nothing to do, so of course he was overcome with thoughts of Adam, of dreams of Adam and of haunting images of Adam being there when he got back. He knew it wouldn’t happen, Adam wasn’t one to give in and break his word. If he had told Shiro he wouldn’t be there when he   got home, then he wouldn’t be there when he got home. He would of moved on - probably gotten married and ended up adopting a kid or two.

The only salvation he got from his hearts torment were the jarring pains he would get whenever to Lion was hit. Though, they were nothing compared to the palpitations he used to get late at night in bed when he was on his own. Nothing could compare to those pains, the pains that threatened to stop his heart every time it racked his body the pains that threatened to have him hospitalised indefinitely if he opened up his trap and said “Fuck, shit, damnit this hurts, it hurts so fucking bad.”

And yet, even when in pain, thoughts of Adam came to him, thoughts of how when they had began to share a bed, the other would shake him awake gently, tangling their legs and embracing each other as he helped Shiro breath again, helped him sooth the pain as he would kiss him everywhere he would reach to shatter the pain. But, that was all in the past; he no longer had that comfort.

* * *

 ‘ _You came for me...’_

When he gained his new body he remembered how confused he was, how could this happen? His, well this, body had been in the cold expanse of space for who knows how long, if it was a generic clone of him, his heart would of stopped due to the zero G by now. 

“We’re really going home!”

He remembered the tears, how happy and relieved everybody looked (bar the Alteans and... yep there was now a new Altean and a Galra soldier. Okay.)

He remembered when Keith had turned to him, impossibly smiling wide - something he hadn’t seen him do in years-  and bouncing on his heels slightly as he giddily introduced Korilia to him, telling him that he’d found his mother and that he was excited for them to get along. He remembered Lance coming up to him later that first night when nobody was around to hear and almost breaking down into tears again as he apologised profusely for not hearing him when he tried to talk to him in the astral plane, how sorry he was that he hadn’t noticed anything ‘I’m the pilot of the red lion now, I’m supposed to be your right hand... I should of noticed.’ He remembered patting the kids back as he held him as he cried. He remembered how Hunk had pulled him into a bone crushing hug as the yellow Paladin blubbered about how he had been so worried when the body he was in now had gone insane. Because the boy had a heart so big that even when the thing had attacked him he was still worried. He remembered how Pidge had leaped on him after Hunk had let go of him and told him about how she’d found Matt and Sam and how they’d been so happy to see that ‘he’ was alive and well.

He remembered the journey they took, the few months when every time they stopped he could see the team seem to grow younger. All the stress and the worry and fear that they’d lived through for the past three years seemed to wash off of them. They weren’t kids now, they were adults, but the smiles and laughs reminded him of how much they still were kids. They hadn’t had the chance to work through their silliness they’d had to bury it deep and now it was coming out again.

The day they saw Earth and the Galra forces encircling it, was the day that Shiro had come to peace with a very prominent thought. ’Fuck the Galra.’

They fought, they won and when they arrived back on Earth the garrison welcomed them back. It was quite the show to see how Iverson’s jaw dropped to the floor when Lance walked out of the Red lion, the lion that had actually done the majority of the major attacks. It was rediculous to see how the other cadets stared wide eyed as the ex-cadets walked out of their lions, heads held high and faces taught. Keith had always been like that, but Lance Hunk and Pidge hadn’t. It was comically to see how the kids that had once taunted them now backed down and couldn’t look them in the eye.

-*-

“Shirogane, you’re alive! It must be a miracle!” He remembered turning to Iverson in the waiting room, seeing the older man with an awed look on his face and he had to admit, he would feel the same in the admirals position. He wasn’t supposed to last more than six years and here he was, as fit as the day he first walked through the garrison doors - albeit he was missing an arm this time.

“Seems so sir, though I wouldn’t exactly call it a miracle.” He felt the stares of his team, of his family, burrowing into him. They had no idea. “We should get you checked out, we don’t know how much it’s progressed, we don’t want you holding up a front.” He remembered flinching at that. He hadn’t wanted the others to know, he hadn’t felt pain since he’d been in this new body.

“What’s he going on about Shiro?” He had turned to his brother and his friends, smiling. “Nothing important, just focus on getting comfortable, I’ll be back soon.”

* * *

 

’ _It’s amazing! The disease is completely gone!’_

He remembered how amazed they were, how happy they were for him. He wasn’t dying, not anymore. Haggar had done one thing right, she’d created a clone genetically identical except for the genes that made him suspetiable to the muscle disease. The Universe worked in mysterious ways, he’d told the doctor.

He remembered Iverson clapping him on the back, telling him congratulations and that he should go back to the group. Shiro didn’t feel any real emotion from the man, he was just glad that his death wasn’t on him.

“Shiro! What was wrong? Is everything okay?” The other Paladins had crowded him shortly after he’d returned to the briefing room, huddled close and scrutinising his appearance. He waved his only hand at them, the Olkari hadn’t finished his prosthetic at the time, and reassured them that nothing was wrong.

* * *

_’SHIRO!’_

 The shout came from behind him, and Shiro felt his heart hurt for the first time since he came back ‘alive’. Oh god, it was actually Adam. He quickly turned around as the Male stood in the doorway, a shocked expression that matched his own. Then, before he could react, a wide smile came to his lips as Shiro could only stand there as Adam launched himself at him. The tears were to be expected, and as they buried their heads in each other’s necks Shiro felt his arms tighten just slightly around the other Male, he would never take this man for granted again.

Leaning back his face was cupped by Adam’s hands, “I don’t know wether to kiss you or to slap you.” Leaning forward and kissing him before anything else could happen, Shiro slipped his arm around Adam’s waist as they stood there ignoring everything else.

* * *

 

”Um... should we leave the two of them alone?”

”Probably.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this was longer than originally planned.


End file.
